Something changed!

I felt it yesterday...

I don't know what it was. But it came over me and shook me deeply. As I was on my knees, praying to God about freedom from all my brokenness and weakness, I felt His Presene come powerfully over me. And I think I had changed...

At least I think so. I never had something like this happen to me before so I have nothing to compare to. But I have high hopes for the future. God never touches me if He has no reason for it. He actually has a very good reason, I believe, why yesterday happened as it happened.

I cried a lot yesterday. With tears, pain and rejection came out, weakness was disappearing. It was a terrible agony, at times I thought my heart would stop beating. But God urged me on. "Keep going", He said, "keep giving it all to Me - until there is no more to give." And honestly, I was eventually physically tired of crying.

Thats when I began writing. I love writing down what God tells me lately. Writing is an awesome tool for me to focus my thoughts, while talking helps me to deal with my feelings and emotions. I began writing down God's Words for me early this year, and a teaching I heard a few weeks ago only encouraged me to continue further. I believe that what I write on paper is God's living Word and a message for me, because when I re-read it, it speaks deeply into my heart.

So, I am excited. Really! I have no idea how the change will affect my life and ministry. But I suspect that this painful process was really necessary for me to grow. I do not seek change, but rather growth - yet as I grow I can't help but change. I leave it all in God's hands now. He will provide.

Stand your ground!

"But you, Timothy, are a man of God;
so run from all these evil things.
Pursue righteousness and a godly life,
along with faith, love, perseverance,
and gentleness. Fight the good fight
for the true faith. Hold tightly
to the eternal life
to which God has called you,
which you have confessed
so well before many witnesses."

- 1 Timothy 6:11-12 -

I was thinking today about addictions, dependencies and simply all bad habits that preoccupy our lives. These things really rob us of the freedom in Jesus Christ. Short temper, laziness, pornography, smoking - you name 'em! They come in all shapes and sizes and we don't have control over them. And, Christian or not, we all have them. Habitual sin is another name for it.

Do you think God is unfair because He gave us these chains to carry and He is not willing to set us free? Oh man, it would be so nice if God would just zap His fingers and let the bondage of habitual sin fall off, so that we could be free. But instead there is so much pain because have no control over our desires. Does God really care that we care?..

Ok, ok. That does not sound right. God is good, remember? So it means that He does care. Take it or leave it. Now if God cares, then what do we do about the sins in our lives? Let's ask ourselves: can God tolerate sin? No, the Scripture is clear on that - look at e.g. 1 John 1:5. So if we have sin in our lives, can we come into God's presence? Nope. Does God want us to come? Yeah! He made us and loves us so much He gave up heavens and died a terrible death.

That's the key. God gives us grace where we fall short. If we have habitual sin in our lives, God 's grace makes up for the sin we have. But since He cannot tolerate sin, He gives us a way out. And that way is Jesus (John 14:6).

You see, we were all created to be filled with God and to become one with Him - for ever. Each one of us has a desire and a longing for God that is so deep nothing else can satisfy it. But because of sin in the world, we can't be in God's presence all the time. One small distraction, one wrong thought - and we sinned, because if you take your mind one bit off God, it's sin.

So we run around, without God in our hearts. And we try to find satisfaction everywhere else but in Him. Anything that the world offers is pitiful compared to what God can offer. It's like a horse and a tiny pony. You desire a horse, but all you have is a short animal, that you can't find useful. It can't satisfy your need. But you still come back to it again and again, trying get the most out of it.

This is very frustrating - until we repent and humble ourselves before God. The He takes up the space that was occupied with habitual sin. And we feel such huge relief! We feel like the world is all right, all is perfect, its heaven on earth. And we feel that we belong.

But then the enemy comes. The enemy who was second after God and who lost the glory of heavens and riches of eternity... Can you just imagine for a second his envy and hatred? It must be just as deep as God's love for us. Devil hates us - because God chose us, broken and dirty people, and not him, glorious and splendid archangel, to be with Him for ever.

So the devil pulls us back, back away from God. "All is fine," he says, "you don't need God - you see, you fought off this addiction by yourself. You are strong enough to take it on now. Go on, enjoy it, you still like it, right?" And he somehow manages to pull us back.

It's like climbing stairs to God's throne. When God put you one step higher, you can see Him more clearly and have more of His presence to live on. So there is less room for the flesh now. But if you fall back down the stairs, then God means less to you and the empty spots in your heart where His Presence used to be begin its painful longing. And you come back to the old vomit - because, even though partially, it worked.

But God does not want us to lose this fight and roll down the stairs of holiness. He wants us to win and join Him in this magnificent story of creation. So He calls us to stand firm and to focus on Him and Him alone. So, let us focus on God - and never on ourselves. Realize that all that you have in your life is because of God - and never because of your own efforts. And if there is something that is there because of your efforts... well, the sooner you give that up, the better!

I picked this picture of Aragorn from "Lord of the Rings" because of the emotion behind it. At that moment he felt like he will not possibly make it, yet he chose rather to die, than to go back to where it all was before the battle. I also often feel like that - sometimes the sin seem like too big of a fight to handle. But I fight to the blood, to the death, protecting precious ground God had entrusted into my hands. If I win, it's for His glory. And if I lose, He will meet me with His pierced arms wide open. But giving up is not an option!

Stand your ground! See you on top of the stairs!

An awesome enouragement from God

I was moody - and down, really down! I did not even think I was on the right spot here in Lutsk, Ukraine. I felt so useless and so abandoned. It happened just after my arrival here, and I kind of have not yet integrated into the school yet. I said to God, like always :

"My Master, where are You???"

The waves were going around, doubts were stirring up in my heart, my emotions began to give in and I started to feel this whole trip was a waste of time and effort. Wow, are we not glad that our faith is not based on emotions and feelings and good vibes but on the solid facts of Jesus coming through for us every day of our lives!!

So I was feeling really bad that night and I went to bed in tears again that night. Hahaha, you might think we Christians never cry - oh you bet we do! It's just that we have S always ready to wipe them off! :)

The next morning a miracle happened. I was approached by our DTS school leader with a request to interpret for the class. Since we have people who come from Europe and the United States and can't speak Russian, as well as some Eastern European people to whom English is an angelic tongue (if you know a Germanic language, please notice the pun!). So translation both ways is crucial every minute. So I said OK. WOW!!! It was an amazing experience! Now I know exactly why I was practising simultaneous translate at our department of Physics. everything happens for a reason. There are a lot of advantages to me doing it. But the biggest one at that moment was for me to be in the centre of every conversation, in the centre of everyone's attention. So... after about 10 minutes of me translating, people got used to my voice, my appearance and my presence and became to be themselves - the most beautiful thing on Earth!! And relationships between me and others began to be built, as I was translating and expressing their ideas and opinions. I praised God for every stumble, for every mistake I had, for that gave me a chance to interact! I made friends with all people and now I am a solid backup translator here at the base - in addition to me being the chief web designer and many other things that God had called me for!

When I came home that night, I was worshipping God, telling Him how faithful He is. I told Him that He is the same everywhere around the globe, regardless of the geographical position. To which He told me to go and look out the balcony window. I did - and this is what I saw...

To the un-anointed ones : this is the Moon at its fullest, and Jupiter, the largest planet in the Solar system.

One other thing that made me feel as an alien here was that I did not know any stars or constellations here. You see, I learned most of them in the Southern Hemisphere, but now I am in Europe, which is way up north so all looks very different. Even the Milky Way does not look the same! So this picture of the Moon and Jupiter reminded me of South Africa, which I left just under 5 weeks ago. And the night before I left, I was praying for God's protection presence and care over my life. And guess what?... I was praying in the Moon light and looking at Jupiter! And voila! what do I find here in the Ukrainian sky? Both!!! God is Amazing, Neverending and Neverchanging! He will never leave you and He will never abandon you! You can always rely on Him, under any circumstances - and he will not let you down, never!

Hebrews 10

²³ Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm,

for God can be trusted to keep his promise.

Hebrews 13

⁵ “I will never fail you.
I will never abandon you.”

Numbers 23

¹⁹ God is not a man, so he does not lie.
He is not human, so he does not change his mind.
Has he ever spoken and failed to act?
Has he ever promised and not carried it through?

***

First three weeks in Ukraine...

The picture above is a very good description of my strongest experience that I had in Ukraine for the first three weeks! I will just share my thoughts here and you can compare and see whether you ever had a crazy experience like this in your life!...


The first evening after my arrival onto the Ukrainian soil is truly unforgettable. The reason for that is not only the reunion with my family whom I have not seen for the past 11 years! First weirdest thing was that the people speak a "different" language that sounds so weird, so radical compared to the English and Afrikaans pronouncing I am so used to. Yet... I understand that language! It was super cool!!! Yet only until I realised that my brain begins to re-adjust itself to think in Russian so that it can speak Russian fluently. Soon it was a nightmare!!! I dreamt of people talking Russian and Ukrainian to me, it was not a time for resting but learning and more learning!! I even began to hear voices of people in my head that were building Russian phrases. Crazy things like "green cat eats trees" or "big small car on the bus today ever and ever". My brain went bunkers and I had absolutely no control over it, but to pray quietly for God's mercy over my poor physicist's mind.

My eyes got the best flexibility training over this period of time! Nearly lost them out of my sockets you know! I am extremely visual, so if I see, I basically remember. And I literally knew NOTHING of the stuff around me. It was very confusing at first: the streets, the phone numbers, new people's faces, money notes, price tags etc etc etc ... Basically, all the thing that we take for granted while we are in our peaceful environment, got the best of me. I mean, our note of 10 in South Africa is green, and our 50 note is red. Here the green one is the note of 20 ad the red one is the note of 10!!! So imagine me and my gigantic frustration every time I would open the wallet... I also often would forget to look in the right direction while crossing the street, so after a few very unpleasant experiences I finally decided to make it my habit to look both ways! :P


Here in Ukraine people rely immensely on the public transport system. Since in South Africa we do not have any public transportation, but people only - and I mean ONLY - use private cars, it was a great challenge for me to learn how to use a bus or a tram again! When you enter, you have to use the front door because that is where you pay the driver of the bus. Then you have to squash yourself towards the middle of the bus to make room for more people coming in behind you. Since the buses are designed to contain about 20 seated and 20 standing passengers, and everyone uses the buses, there is normally very very very very little space to occupy. Often I shared my bodily space with someone who I would never normally prefer to be close to in the open! Well, let's g community style for God. Then once the bus approaches your needed stop - which you ALREADY have to know by the looks of it, they do not announce the stops! - you have to squeeze back towards the exit, then give out a shout "NA ZUPYNTSI", which means "On the next stop" and hope that the driver heard you and will stop and open the doors. The price for a ride is about R2 ($0.25) so if you do not plan your route carefully, you can actually lose a lot of pocket money. Often I went on faith because the bus was No. 15 and I had to take No. 16 or something. There are so many different routes and different buses, you really have to know where you are going AND how you are going to come back to your original spot - ELSE you are lost in a town where people do not think like you, do not speak your language and do not even understand how you can be lost!

Speaking of different mentalities... I had a very funny incident in a super market with plastic bags. We do not use paper bags in South Africa and in Ukraine it is the same. Also in both countries you have to purchase the bag if you ever need to. So i went to this shop one day and got all my groceries. I did not want to spend some money to buy a bag, so I brought my own bags. So I put all my groceries on the counter and put the bag on top. Then this lady looks at me and asks: "Is this your plastic bag?" I say: "Yeah, sure its mine." Then she took it and tossed it to me and said: "Well, then why in the world did you give it to me??" I was like ... hmmm... what is that reaction?? So I just apologised - maybe I was wrong. And then later, only later, did I realise that here in Ukraine everyone has to put their own stuff into shopping bags - all self-service!! I was stunned! :)


Overall, my life is filled with experiences like that. I am sometimes confused, sometimes lost, sometimes totally out of place. But I can testify that God was always there, guarding me and guiding me every step of the way. Sometimes He even challenges me to take risks (!!) - you know, like He sometimes tells me to get on this bus, that I never took before - or maybe to approach a person on the street that I never spoke to and just to tell them something like: "Good morning! God bless you!" Its very weird to be like this, but He does it all for a sole purpose of teaching me how to be obedient and how to trust Him and His Voice. Things like this tell me that He loves me and that He is concerned about my growth and that's why I love Him so very much!!


One of the nicest experiences for me was of course to meet my family after so many many many years of separation! When they came to meet me at the airport, my sister recognised me purely because of my Facebook pictures. My auntie and my grandma told me that only my eyes remained the same. My aunt even thought someone else was me and she almost went out and greeted him at the airport. When we took a taxi to their house, I was absolutely mesmerised by the sight beyond the windows: the architecture, the people on the streets, the shops and the adverts. Then, to just get away from the flood of experience, I began to speak to the driver - you know, just a polite conversation. To my surprise, he sounded so offended, especially when I asked him what his name was. Later on, my sister told me that in Ukraine people do not just make friends on the street, and that was kind of a shock to me as well. In South Africa we are a little more loose and warm towards each other and towards making friends, and one thing I noticed is that Ukrainians are really task-oriented. When people walk on the streets, the expressions on their faces is of utmost seriousness, focus and concentration. All because they are thinking about what to do next, apparently.

My grandmother was head over heels to see me again, she was the last person to see me off at the airport when I was 14, so my visit was so important to her! Wow, when we were hugging I realised that I missed her a lot too! Thank You, God, for this wonderful reunion! But as I was walking around the house, where I was born and where I used to live for the first 14 years of my life, I noticed that all things were... kind of... small!! No, I mean, like tiny!! It's all probably because I was still a child and all dimensions were bigger then. :) Just a side note, hehe!


I am so very grateful to my family in Odessa! They were extremely patient with me overall, probably realising at least in part what I was going through. They constantly went out with me on the streets of Odessa, taking me to places to help me adapt faster. They took me to all those spots where I used to be when I was a kid - those were some sweet times! We took a lot of pictures too! Also one of my old school friends, whom I also have not seen for over 11 years, had arranged for us to meet and to go out somewhere in town. That afternoon was a total blast! She had an amazing knowledge of Odessa's history of origin and development and enlightened me about it all. As we were walking around our city, she always had something to say about pretty much everything - and I really mean it in a good sense. Through her I learned a lot about my home town and the whole day was fabulous! Also at the end of it we went to a very cosy coffee shop and I had some latte and cheese cake! I almost felt like I was back in South Africa - hmmm,.... Well, except for the smoke... Overall, the standard is expected to be that the smokers are in one sealed-off room and the non-smokers are in the other room. Here in Ukraine the smokers occupy the most of the restaurant, and the non-smokers sit there where the fans are that suck out all the smoke. Or at least it seems that way judging from all the clouds of toxic gases going towards me everywhere I go - up until today! Oh, well, my dark sarcastic humour again...

I also got a chance to see an Ukrainian university on the inside. Wow, what a contrast! The university does not have its own land and premises and has only two doors through which people can enter/exit. The lecture halls are pretty much the same layout as the ones in South Africa, maybe not as big though, the biggest one might maybe fit like 60 - 70 students. What shocked me the most though are the offices. Here the departments or the different schools are called "kAfedra"'s - so it's like a big room with about 5-7 desks - and that's it! Your desk is pretty much your office here! I wondered about the privacy of such layout but it seems to me this is considered a norm. Well, it's understandable since in Europe space for living and accommodation is very scarce and expensive. I just cannot imagine all our physics department fitting into one of those rooms, with each one staring at one another, or talking on the phone 5 people at a time. :D


Another thing I discovered as I was communicating with people and doing business in public places, e.g. shops, markets, pharmacies etc., is the Dima-defined concept of "triple standards". The Ukrainian people are very friendly, hospitable and are ready to help - but only if you and them have some kind of a personal relationship thing going on, like you are friends or colleagues, or you live in the same apartment, or you are family. If I would communicate with total strangers, I would receive a really cold shoulder with anything. This is in such total contrast with what would actually be advertised at e.g. a shop. Like I had this experience while trying to buy a starter pack for my mobile phone. They had about 4 - 5 kiosks in this shopping centre that advertised to provide services for MTC mobile provider that I was looking for. As I was used to South African standards of VodaCom franchises, where you can get anything and everything of VodaCom at any branch, I expected to have the same here. No! At each of these kiosks I was told that the starter pack I was looking for was not available there. I was like "DUH?? What DO you then provide??" - ok, in my thoughts! :) Some salesmen were busy doing their own thing on their mobile phones when I approached them. It would often play out like this:

Me: "Good morning, can I please have MTC Super Freedom?"
Them: "Haven't got..." ("NemA")
Me: "Could you maybe tell me where I can find it?"
Them: "Dunno..."
Me: Thank you, bye!
Them: ....
----No eye contact whatsoever!!

The people here do not make eye contact easily - it's a shock! Especially when they sell me something and I want to tell them how grateful I am that they served me so well and professionally. I tell them THANKS looking at their face, they turn away and say COME BACK AGAIN. Very very weird reaction! This reminded me of those cases when I was in South Africa and as little as some people may think of the black Africans, those people were so much more polite to me, actually taking trouble to go with me and to dig around the shop searching for the item I would need, or pick up the phone and call all other branches for more info for me. It also takes place in Ukraine (I speak from my experience), but waaay less.


So why the triple standard?? Well, I noticed that one layer of it are the colourful informative ads all over the shops, the second one is the general unwillingness of the people inside this shop to be of assistance. And finally, I noticed, by grace of God, that there is another element to a heart of a Ukrainian. They are such nice people, but I can see that no one really appreciates what they are and how they do things, so they shut themselves off and to the general public that walks over them every day they are just as cold and mean. Yet, when I would just become a little more personal with them, talk with then in a light conversation, ask them stuff like "How was your day here at the shop?" or say some sully-funny stuff, they would really melt and become SO much more friendly! A few shut off, considering me a weirdo, but that I believe is merely a self-defence mechanism. Most become very warm and responsive. I remember this lady in the MTC shop where I finally received some assistance. She was considering me one of the crowd, after I actually spoke to her about some personal things like her work and my work - in my broken Ukrainian!! She appreciated it so much that eventually she helped me by taking my phone and doing all the activation and the button clicking herself! That was awesome! Same happens at the local banks when I went there for some assistance with my finances. man, don't I just love it to see people around me smiling!!


Speaking of the broken Ukrainian, I am picking it up really well and can already help myself in the shops and in the buses. I still can't really preach in Ukrainian and it is a little frustrating when we go and do street evangelism. Still, I am positive. And people notice me trying - and it makes them more friendly towards me. There is a similarity here with some areas in South Africa. There some Afrikaans speaking people value their language highly, and refuse to speak English because they believe that Afrikaans is the most important language in the world. Maybe also because their pride cannot handle all the mistakes they would make if they would speak English? Well, I don't know. Anyway, here the stuff is so similar - people would not speak Russian to you even if you were the Prime minister! So when I speak Ukrainian, mixed with some Russian words, they take it as a compliment and their attitude towards me changes for the better! Thank God for my talent to foreign tongues!!


The weather has been keeping well so far. On the streets the difference between day and night is no more than 10*C, max being around 11, and min being around 3. In our homes we have central heating, a curled pipe in each room that winds along one wall, carrying hot water from the central boiler room for a city district. This makes a huge difference, believe me! Also we have the thickest walls ever, and double windows to keep the cold and the noise out. The weather now changes from warm to winter, and strongly depends on the air masses and whether or not we have a cold front. Last week the temperatures were dancing around 0*C so the puddles froze, we were really well dressed and many of us (including me! :( ) got sick. this week the weather is an amazing 15*C during the day and it's sunshine and all! Utopia if you ask me! The food is extremely cheap here, except the meat and the dairy. A loaf of GOOD bread is about R2 ($0.25), a litre of GOOD milk is R5 ($0.70) and a kg of GOOD potatoes is R4 ($0.60) - except that the latter are not washed and when I bring mine home I first soak them for a few minutes to get rid of the thick layer of black mud on them! :)))


I am really happy here, overall! The country of Ukraine, in particular the part where I am, is lovely, with great people, interesting culture and many things that challenge my way of thinking. I like it all and I really do look forward to the next few weeks or months here. But it all is subject to where God wants me, of course... :)

Flying from South Africa to Ukraine

The anticipation was enormous... So was the stress... Sure, this was my first solo international flight EVER! The last time I went international was 11 years ago when our family came over to stay in South Africa - but then my parents arranged everything and I was just enjoying the view out the window...

I said good-bye to my friends and family, some were crying including my 10-year old brother. I guess I also wanted to shed a tear or two, because the stress of the many many many many weeks of fighting for something as big as God's call in your life was getting so unbearable. but I knew if I would let myself cry now, I would not be able to stop - so I was as dry as Sahara desert.

God has provided for me again: my friend had to go see a doctor in Pretoria that day, so she agreed to drop me off at the airport on her way back. Before we left, he asked if all was well with me packing and with my luggage. To which I replied and said that I was about 10 kg (20 lbs) overweight. This fact came up when I re=packed for like a 3rd time, but then I already threw out most of my stuff, making room only for the most essential things, like winter clothes, and gifts for my family and colleagues. Then my friend told me over the phone that before we would leave next day she would have me over at her house and she would re-pack my bags in a "woman" way! Hahaha! So when it all happened, my main luggage was just slightly over the allowed weight, and we hoped that they would give me grace and allow me through without having to pay for extra weight. My hand luggage was super heavy, but the customs do not weigh it so I was hoping to slip by unnoticed. Hmmm, maybe the Ukrainian mafia could use someone like me? :)


Anyway, here I was at the airport, with my 3 bags and a little backpack, hoping that a real miracle would happen and that I will not have to pay for extra weight. The thought of losing a sum equal to my monthly support was so intense that I could think of nothing else. My only hope was Exodus 14:13:

"Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today."

This verse is one of my favorites and God has been faithful every time to keep to this promise of His. so it was my comfort there and then, and as my heart was pounding I was whispering it.

As the line was getting shorter, we were getting closer and closer to the luggage checking. Finally it was my turn. I stood there before the guy. trying to look innocent, while inside I felt like I had all the sins of the world on me. I was so overweight. My friend had just left me with my super-heavy hand luggage and was standing so far away for me... So I was told to load my bags on the scales... and they were promptly overweight! The guy looked at the screen, then he looked at me and asked, pointing to my small backpack: "Is this your hand luggage?" I said "Yes". This was definitely NOT my ONLY hand luggage but he asked nothing like that so I just kept smiling, happy that he did not, because I do not lie. So he sighed and let it all through. Like in a dream, i got my luggage tags, my boarding pass and left the counter.

The joy in my heart was overwhelming! I was so proud that God is my Caretaker and that He came through for me again - He is just awesome! Its like He is letting me live my life and when I come to a brick wall situation and run out of options, He just steps in and solves it all! Truly He lives up to the title of the Savior! I just need to do the possible and He will do the impossible.

So now we were on our way to the boarding section. We still had about an hour before the boarding would begin, so we decided to go and drink some coffee and say all last good-byes! While we were sitting there resting, another one of my friends phoned me and said he is near the airport and he would love to come and say good-bye too! This was so special for me! By the time we finished drinking coffee and I went to board the plane, he was there, at the customs gates, waiting for me. We said by to each other and he prayed for me - I felt like God was really there! It was an amazing moment of encouragement!

When I went through to the customs, I realized something terrible. Although the boarding had already begun, I still had to stand in a long line for passport control, then I had to go through the X-ray gates for my hand luggage, and again for a passport control. Only then would I reach my boarding gates. This would mean three (!) awfully long lines, which I really had no time for! i had no idea this was the case because I never flew international before. I did not even have a chance to get scared or worried! My friends told me to run for it, so I did. Boldly I ran to each of the three lines, one by one, shouting to let me through because I was late for my flight! Embarrassing? Maybe, but I did not care! :) I just wanted to get on that plane!!! The people I guess had no choice but to let me to the front of the line each time. So instead of waiting for an hour, I was through in 5 minutes and was off to my boarding gates! Awesome!!

I boarded the plane, put all my things into the overhead compartments and just dissolved in my seat, still not fully able to believe that it was all over and that I was on the plane. :( After the first shock was over, I began to look around and to process the environment. The plane was full, like a can of sardines! The economy class as not a luxury place, and Turkish airlines here and now uses a bare minimum to accommodate its passengers. But I have to admit - the food was super-delicious! Also they had this great feature of digital tracking of our plane on screen, so any time you could look at the map of Africa and see where we are, how much further is left in time and distance, and what was the speed and the altitude of the plane. I liked it a lot, I like numbers! :)

I sat next to a young guy from Germany. He majored in geography and went to work in Swaziland in September. He was a great companion and we spoke about many things. Being a listener, I mostly let him have the reigns and just enjoyed the time we had. Interestingly, when we got to the subject of religion, he spoke a few things against Christians (not Christianity), the biggest one of them being hypocrites, living a life of double standards. I was glad that I did not tell him about my beliefs before hand, otherwise he would not be so open with me - truly Proverbs is so true when it says that silence is better than words! Well, I told him there and then that I was also very upset and annoyed about all the co-believers of mine and that they behaved like they did. I also told him about immorality in the church in particular and shared how it all disappointed me that people who said they believed in the same God I did had they day-to-day lives so radically different, and in fact nothing like the words that they spoke. In this regard, the people who believe that God does not exist are actually more upright, because at least their words and deeds are alike. And Christians fail here miserably. Also, after this conversation, I realized that our generation is being watched very very closely. People in the secular world are broken and empty and has no help or hope in life before and after death, and they are quietly looking for an answer, even though on the outside they might look super-cool. We have the answers because God gave it to us, yet our actions speak louder than words, and these actions show the opposite. So, knowing that someone somewhere is watching you, thinking about your words and actions, "searching for a hope that's tucked away in you and me" (Does anybody hear her, by Casting Crowns) - this all is a very humbling experience. Paul sums it up very well in 1 Peter 3: 16:

"Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ."

The whole trip on the plane was about 11 hours long and it was somewhat uncomfortable. I was so glad I brought a couple of books along to read, I read a lot on the plane. I also tried to sleep, but the seats were very uncomfortable and I could not put mine into horizontal position. I was on and off like Christmas lights and at the end of the journey my neck and back were hurting a lot! Thank God, after I prayed for them, it all went away and did not come back for the rest of the day. Lets say, I had worse days and the flight was OK. My primary goal was not to fly in style but to get to Ukraine and it was accomplished, so I am very grateful.

The landing was OK. We all got out of the plane and went into the building of Istanbul airport - Ataturk International. There some of us, including me, followed through to the transit hallway. and there I was getting ready to spend the next 10 hours in waiting. Actually 11 because our plane from South Africa arrived ahead of schedule, yippee!...... :\ I did my best to find a good plane ticket, and for the price that I was willing to pay this was the best deal I could find. I walked around the hall, pushing in front of me the little cart with my hand luggage, looking at the Turkish people, adverts and other stuff. By the way, try not to buy Turkish water, its really nasty, I bought juice and it was supposed to be fresh, but it did something to my tummy and I felt so sick! Fortunately I had some activated carbon with me but I had to use ALL of it! And the bread and pies there are very expensive, I paid like R70 ($10) for a pie. So try to have some food with you before you board the plane to Turkey.

My South African phone was set for roaming just before I left Johannesburg, and wonderfully Vodacom and Turkey had a contract together, so once I put it on I could send an sms to my mom and tell her I was OK. Then a whole flood of sms'es came through on my phone, from all my friends who said they were praying for me and wished me a safe journey further on. The reception of sms'es while on Vodacom roaming is free, but its R3 ($0.50) to send one, so I used words sparingly. :)


Then came the wait... I found for myself a spot near the announcement board with all the scheduled flights and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited a little longer... and a little more... and then I waited again... and again... and then I took a walk... and then I sat and waited again... and again... and then guess what? Yep! I waited just a little longer!! WOW! What an experience..... :| I brought some books with me but after about 7 hours of reading even child psychology becomes unattractive. But literally there was NOTHING for me to do. This was a very frustrating time. My butt was all sore from sitting and not moving, but I could not go too far to leave my luggage, and to take luggage with would mean to abandon my precious seat and I would have to wait standing. Add to this the anxiety that the enemy had been putting into my head: there were some announcements in Russian for Slavonic travelers and I thought - maybe one of those was for my flight, and maybe my flight was moved? So for a couple of hours I was really stressing out there, the devil got the best of me here. But then I became sick of being a victim! I said to Jesus, devil, myself and to whoever else was listening: "Listen, Jesus, I am worried sick about missing my flight and we both know it! Yet I know that You were in control for the past 3 months and that You brought me up to this point, and that you will not drop me like this in the middle of nowhere. So I just stop worrying and I let You do it all for me, since I know that You are better at this than me anyway!" Then I received peace, a lot of peace. Just knowing that someone stronger and better and wiser will now take care of all the things for me and will not let me down, just this thought already relieved me. I know He would make a way, even through the deepest sea.

And then, FINALLY!!!!!! My flight came up on the board!!! ODESSA 467!!! I was so exhausted from waiting any change was welcomed. I made a mistake with the boarding gates and walked all the way to one side of the airport, only to find out that the right spot was on the other end. But there and then I really welcomed the stretch! When I came to the right gate, I discovered that the boarding still had not begun, so I .... yeah you guessed it... sat down and waited another hour.... uuuughhhh!! Next to me were some people traveling to Odessa too, and they were speaking Russian. This was a little intro to my culture shock I will have to go through in the future and which I will write about later on. But now I just sat and listened and was amazed that the words sound nothing like English or Afrikaans and yet I am somehow able to understand it all! Hahaha!

The plane was late - is this some kind of stronghold on the Slavs?? When it docked and all was ready, all people just rose up and rushed through the doors to the boarding gate. There was something like a line (where I was one of the first in line, waiting faithfully), but in a few seconds it all disappeared and there was only a huge crowd trying to squeeze through the little gate.
>: shock :


But all my cares and worries faded away in an instant when I saw the vastness of the Black Sea beneath us! The thought of actually BEING there where I dreamed of being for so many years, of seeing things I missed so much, was overwhelming and I felt my eyes getting wet. I put on my iPod - the awesome little friend that kept me at the edge of boredom for the past 23 hours - I heard a song by Delirious "History Maker" and I felt like something really BIG was happening right now. It almost felt like all angels of heavens were watching me throughout my trip, and were so very excited about my decision to come to Ukraine. i can just imagine their innocent quarrels about who would be looking after my luggage!! :) Well, whoever it was, thank you, you did a good job guarding it, I haven't lost anything!

Finally, after about an hour, we were flying over Odessa, preparing for the landing. My city laid there, proud and vast in the orange rays of sunset and I felt so warm inside! We landed well and everyone rose and began to leave the plane. Since my bag was somewhat heavier than average, I decided to leave the plane last. This proved to be a good idea! Outside the plane there was a bus waiting for us that would take us to customs. Since I was the last one on the bus, I was the nearest to the door and when the bus arrived and all people started leaving the bus, I was the first one to enter the building and to stand in the line! Wow! Actually, I had so much on my mind that I never thought about this. But when people started coming out of the bus, everyone began running! Since the building was only a few steps away, I realized that I better run too! Things are not always what they seem and if the Ukrainians run, you better make a run for it too! Hahaha! So it all proved to be OK. I went through passport control and the guy was inspecting my visa very meticulously - but finally he let me pass. :) As I entered the luggage hall, my two bags were right there on the floor waiting for me. I went through the X-ray gates, expecting them to open my bags and to search me thoroughly, but no one said anything.... so I just took my bags and went out the door! (Side note: They should really think about upgrading that exit door, because a 1.5 meter wide door (5 foot wide) that opens in your face, by hand is a terrible inconvenience for someone like me who has tons of luggage on their hands!)

... to be continued ....

The last battle

Hello! This is a summary of the fight that happened over me literally 2 days ago!

As most of you should know by now, God has provided me with just enough financial support to go to Ukraine and to live there for 6 months. The largest contribution to that support was to come this week from my part-time job employer, with whom I also did my Masters degree earlier. Now listen to what happened...

I expected the money to come through on Monday because that is normally the day when the whole department gets paid. When the money did not appear, I was on the phone at once! I phoned our administrator, asking about the funds. She replied that the money was supposed to go through today. So she promised to find out for me and call me back. After a while I received the news from her that the money was delayed (!) but that she "motivated" the staff somewhat and that now the money will come through on Tuesday! Ok, trusting God in faith, I waited another 2 hours. And the funds came through on Tuesday, yet to my greatest surprise, 25% short!! I phoned the lady again and she explained that it was due to tax deductions. I told her that this income is the only income I had this year and it is far less than a minimum annual income for which taxation begins to apply. To this she replied that I can claim the amount back from the Revenue Services, but only after they will have sent me their annual statements, and that only happens in August each year........

Now imagine how I felt when I put down that phone!! I was devastated! I still had a debt to pay to my parents for the air ticket and some clothes and stuff I bought for the trip. After I would pay this, and my insurance, and my dentist and and and.... there would be barely anything left to keep me well for 3 months, not to mention SIX!! What now???!?!?!?!

That evening I went on my knees and just wept. Again and again! My emotions were too strong to contain. I knew that it was humanly impossible for me to go and live in Ukraine now. yet i just gave it all up to God. I told Him that it was again too much for me to handle and that He should please please please come over and help me out here.

Interesting enough, this is not the first time I get into financial troubles when I have no clue how and when will the funds come that will sustain my missionary work. And still, this time was so much more different from the first time something like that happened to me. The first time I was in such panic I was literally "running around screaming", doing stupid things! This time however, I noticed with a corner of my conscience that I took the news much better. I was still desperate and down and negative, but it was nothing compared to the devastation I had at earlier times. WOW! God has really made me grow here in this area of my life and I am learning more and more to trust His Glory and Caring Love.

So Tuesday night I got up from my knees and went back to my room to continue my preparations. A minute later my dad walked in and said he wanted to talk with me about my trip and all. I was becoming very tiny inside, imagining how I would have to tell him about my financial crisis. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, he said that he and mom decided that I need not repay the whole debt I owe to them, but only a little chunk!..

I was like... "Uh.. oh... You know its a lot of money you are not going to get." And he said: "Well, we are not strangers, we are family after all. Consider it a contribution to your ministry". So there and then I almost broke down again (thank You Jesus for intercession and prayers and lots and lots of peace I got from you in the last 10 minutes!!) - and I told my dad all about the taxes and the financial struggle I was in and how I was praying about it asking God for help! We both just sat there and marveled at how God has prepared the hearts of my folks in advance before I even knew about the taxation! HalleluYah!

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise."
- Hebrews 10:23 -

Like I said above, I had faith in Jesus and knew He would not let me down and He would take care of this thing somehow. Yet, I have to honestly admit - I was taken by surprise about where the help came through! It is easy to give something to someone out of abundance, yet it is so hard to forgive a debt to someone if your own finances are not looking up too well. It could only be God - only God!

So basically, I was shaken and a few hours later I was shaken again! So now everything is back to "normal" - except that the tax department owes me a nice large sum of money! Clearly, the devil tries his utmost best to stop me, or at least to inhibit me. Yet he is NO match for the One Who I am crazy in love with, and Who is in love with me - JESUS CHRIST!! Long live my King!

The crazy feeling!

Soooo......

I just felt like doing an entry here because I have some mixed feelings about my trip. And I felt like I had to just stand back and recall everything that God did for me to get me where I am standing now. At the end of an old path, at the new beginning that is just around the corner!!

Ok, why all of this Ukraine mission stuff? Where did it come from? Hard to say. If I will trace it all the way to the origins that started the whole sequence of events which took me here, I would probably have to start with the words: "I was born on 15 may..." LOL So I will not go so far, and begin recaling the very recent past.

I was called to YWAM via two different independent sources, so two witnesses telling me to go was enough for me to take that leap of faith. I got on that Kulula airplane in Jan 2010 with only $70 in my pocket, hohoho! Going into the total unknown, I did not even know how people would respond to me going there. I was imagining that they will not even let me enter the gate without money and i will have to beg on the streets for a while until I find work... Oh my soul, i was so naive, totally underestimating the power of the One Who sent me in the first place! My thoughts and fears had absolutely no influence on His Perfect plan and he took me through the five most wonderful months of my life! Praise his Name, the Name of Jesus! :)

As i was struggling to do the school on faith, God knew He could still stretch me further, so He challenged me by giving me a vision of Ukrainian orphans. It was during my afternoon nap, I saw all these kids around me stretching their hands towards me, then a Voice told me: "These are your people, go to them!" Funny, that before the incident whenever a YWAMer asked me where was I from, I would give all sorts of answers. Yet, after this vision, I forever realized I am a Ukrainian, and answered to everyone accordingly: "I am from Odessa!"

In 2009, about a year before I began ministering for the Lord, when I was checking out what YWAM is all about, I decided to check out how widespread across the world they were. Also I was hoping there would be a base in Israel - because I know Israel and me have something in common! :) I was also looking at what posts are available at each base, considering myself becoming a staff after I did my DTS course. Looking at all sorts of countries and discovering many YWAM bases everywhere, I went to see what was up and going in Ukraine. And I stumbled across YWAM Lutsk. This was one o the four Ukrainian bases, but something gripped me there and then about it. Most, if not all, projects they had going were within my field of interest and passion - exciting!! I realized that I will be there some day and that I will never ever forget about this base - but back there I just put this dream on the shelf for God to consider. Thirteen months later, in February 2010, the dream was taken off the sheld, dusted off and thrusted into my imminent future via the vision I described above.

I had some crazy plans. I know that a man can plan as much as he wants, yet it is God who determines how things work out eventually. So I do not see any harm in meditating on my dreams and discussing them with the Holy Spirit and with my brothers and sisters in Christ. But back then it was indeed a little bit crazy! I was being shaped and molded during DTS school at YWAM, so I was a little not myself. You know, when you have fever, you feel funny, you might say something funny, and maybe even see some things! So I was on fever from God's purifying fire and lol... well... lets just say I wanted my life to work out in a very irrational and rapid way. Thank God, He prevented it from happening by closing the doors around me except one. That one door was Worcester DTS graduation. And i had no other choice but to pass through it, before I could even take a step in the direction of my vision!

Now, once the graduation was over, and i went home in early June, I kept coming back to God, asking Him about his dream. There was a lot of luggage and emotional fears from the past that I had to deal with as He was answering me - the final breakthrough today only came because he decided I am free from those fears and drawbacks. God challenged me to recall, rethink and apply everything that He had taught me during my DTS school back in Worcester . I knew that school is nothing like the real battle, so i was preparing myself a lot via prayer and intercession.

It all started in early June, when I came to my old university to finalize my MSc. That was the priority at my heart, because god gave me a chance to do such an amazing degree and I had a responsibility. So with God's peace in my heart, I went to finish it. I knew it was the right thing to do, I had peace about it. Now, I was a little (!) worried about what will happen to me after then, but God said - "Take it easy, dear!" So I finished all responsibilities that I still had and went for a nice holiday for 2 weeks to Mossel Bay. Amazing place it was! Because we went out of season, the beaches were nearly empty and it was so quiet everywhere, with miles and miles of open smooth beach and dozens of waves coming in every minute. I admit that this holiday away from EVERYTHING was absolutely essential for someone like me. I literally finished my MSc on "autopilot", and needed some quiet time and environment to digest all I learned in the past few months from God via YWAM's school. I read His Word, prayed worshiped, and just was there with Him, in the quiet place! :) Was great! He warned me there and then that I will enter a season of great battle but I must not give up, trust my emotions or doubt His promises in any way. So I said: "Yes, Yeshua"!

Then July.... August.... September.... Plans made... Plans failed... More plans made.... And only one sequence of events played out - the one chosen by God Himself! The breakthroughs came in so suddenly: monthly support, tickets, visa, winter clothes, insurance, contacts, new friends... I had nothing to do with any of those - whenever something in my life came up, I just prayed the Will of God over it and for wisdom to deal with it - and the stuff either disappeared or stayed for good! Back in June I had NO idea HOW IN THE GREEN WORLD will I ever get to Ukraine!!?!?!?! Now its end of September, and I am ... whats the word here... stunned by lightning!! As I spend quiet moments in God's presence after the biiiiig battle, with the Gospel playing in my ears via iPod that HE Himself gave me so graciously, I can only praise him. I realize that nothing that I did or would do would work or make any difference to how He took me through the space-time of the last 3 months!

Now the devil tries one more thing, but I know my enemy quite well by now - he isn't creative and uses the same strategy over and over. In the beginning he tried to plant doubt in my heart, telling me that I would not make it, that all my dreams and plans were futile and that God did not want this for me. It was as hard as whipping my heart with 40 lashes of lead and bone, yet Jesus Who took those, helped me take mine! The blow to the enemy was dealt as described n my previous post, at the point of me being at my lowest. It's like I literally burned out in God's holy oven and had nowhere to look but up. And not just impatient glances, but a look of utter loneliness and desperation, admitting that He alone is Lord and He alone can do something now. Truly if I would have less, I would have come to that point sooner - hence it is easier to those who are poor in flesh and in spirit to reach out to God, and hence I am giving up all I have with pain, yet without regret.

Once I did that, He just came and fixed everything! Have you ever seen a row of dominoes, when they are vertically stacked close to each other, and then with one final touch one domino falls down, dragging the rest behind it? Well, thats how it felt back then - and how it feels now: everything just fell into place with the speed of light! My last hurdle to overcome was to hear that the Ukrainian visa I got was only for 3 months, and that I had to rely on God to enable me to extend it for 6 months after I will have arrived in Ukraine. Once I gave this thought up to Him, I received peace. The attackes totally ceased, totally!! I am sitting now, in my chair at home, leaving for Ukraine in 12 days - and for the past week there was NO doubt in my heart, moreover, no one tried to sow it there again. It is as if the heavens broke open and the Power of Christ came around to shield me! I know that this is only a victory in a battle, that the whole war is far from over - yet I am so very grateful to God for this short window of rest and recollection of God's testimonies of the past. Psalm 77:11-12 is a good verse for this state of my mind.

When I think about the MEANING and IMPACT of my trip, I literally begin shaking and crying and laughing about all this - so much it means to Jesus and to me and to the people around me! So I try not to do it too often. Let's just name a few most wonderful things that will come out of this trip. First and foremost, I have heard God right, He guided me in His Will and I am beyond excited to know how my destiny will play out after my plane's touch-down. Secondly, although only for a week, I will see my dear family, with whom I lived for 14 years since birth, and whom i have not seen for over 11 years. I can just imagine all the joy we will share in a fortnight! Then, I will go and do God's work by helping my fellow Ukrainians who are struggling without the hope and saving knowledge of Jesus and his Word. Someone once told me that I cannot preach the gospel of someone else, or the Gospel that did not save me and change me - no, but that I must rather preach my OWN gospel, and my OWN testimony, and what God did for ME personally! And it excites me to know that I will be able to share God's Living Word with people of my own folk, people who desperately need it for freedom from their fears of life and death. Finally (and this is probably the nicest part), I will use my God-given talents to make a difference in the lives of those people via my action-based faith!! Thank You God, You made me a teacher and a listener - I will use it all to bring Your presence in my life so that everyone might see You in me and desire You in them as well!

The enemy still tries to tell me that I will fail, that I will be useless there - yet to no avail. I know that generally there is a period of integration, desperation and coming closer to God before huge breakthroughs via His Power are allowed - all God's children go through that! So I am ready and prepared to humble myself, to fight for God and His Name, to work hard to show what He can do in any person's life and to ask Him for help any time and any day. After all,, He can do it all so much better than me so why not ask Him at once?! :)

I had to write this much out - just to sum up my experiences before the big transition, to be able to share them easily and for future meditation and encouragement. As I go around the corner to discover more of my Christ-like in the Eyes of God looking at me intensely, I can only imagine.... but my imagination will always fall short of His creative Love for me!!! Jesus is my KING and my ETERNAL LOVE!!!!