The last battle

Hello! This is a summary of the fight that happened over me literally 2 days ago!

As most of you should know by now, God has provided me with just enough financial support to go to Ukraine and to live there for 6 months. The largest contribution to that support was to come this week from my part-time job employer, with whom I also did my Masters degree earlier. Now listen to what happened...

I expected the money to come through on Monday because that is normally the day when the whole department gets paid. When the money did not appear, I was on the phone at once! I phoned our administrator, asking about the funds. She replied that the money was supposed to go through today. So she promised to find out for me and call me back. After a while I received the news from her that the money was delayed (!) but that she "motivated" the staff somewhat and that now the money will come through on Tuesday! Ok, trusting God in faith, I waited another 2 hours. And the funds came through on Tuesday, yet to my greatest surprise, 25% short!! I phoned the lady again and she explained that it was due to tax deductions. I told her that this income is the only income I had this year and it is far less than a minimum annual income for which taxation begins to apply. To this she replied that I can claim the amount back from the Revenue Services, but only after they will have sent me their annual statements, and that only happens in August each year........

Now imagine how I felt when I put down that phone!! I was devastated! I still had a debt to pay to my parents for the air ticket and some clothes and stuff I bought for the trip. After I would pay this, and my insurance, and my dentist and and and.... there would be barely anything left to keep me well for 3 months, not to mention SIX!! What now???!?!?!?!

That evening I went on my knees and just wept. Again and again! My emotions were too strong to contain. I knew that it was humanly impossible for me to go and live in Ukraine now. yet i just gave it all up to God. I told Him that it was again too much for me to handle and that He should please please please come over and help me out here.

Interesting enough, this is not the first time I get into financial troubles when I have no clue how and when will the funds come that will sustain my missionary work. And still, this time was so much more different from the first time something like that happened to me. The first time I was in such panic I was literally "running around screaming", doing stupid things! This time however, I noticed with a corner of my conscience that I took the news much better. I was still desperate and down and negative, but it was nothing compared to the devastation I had at earlier times. WOW! God has really made me grow here in this area of my life and I am learning more and more to trust His Glory and Caring Love.

So Tuesday night I got up from my knees and went back to my room to continue my preparations. A minute later my dad walked in and said he wanted to talk with me about my trip and all. I was becoming very tiny inside, imagining how I would have to tell him about my financial crisis. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, he said that he and mom decided that I need not repay the whole debt I owe to them, but only a little chunk!..

I was like... "Uh.. oh... You know its a lot of money you are not going to get." And he said: "Well, we are not strangers, we are family after all. Consider it a contribution to your ministry". So there and then I almost broke down again (thank You Jesus for intercession and prayers and lots and lots of peace I got from you in the last 10 minutes!!) - and I told my dad all about the taxes and the financial struggle I was in and how I was praying about it asking God for help! We both just sat there and marveled at how God has prepared the hearts of my folks in advance before I even knew about the taxation! HalleluYah!

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise."
- Hebrews 10:23 -

Like I said above, I had faith in Jesus and knew He would not let me down and He would take care of this thing somehow. Yet, I have to honestly admit - I was taken by surprise about where the help came through! It is easy to give something to someone out of abundance, yet it is so hard to forgive a debt to someone if your own finances are not looking up too well. It could only be God - only God!

So basically, I was shaken and a few hours later I was shaken again! So now everything is back to "normal" - except that the tax department owes me a nice large sum of money! Clearly, the devil tries his utmost best to stop me, or at least to inhibit me. Yet he is NO match for the One Who I am crazy in love with, and Who is in love with me - JESUS CHRIST!! Long live my King!

The crazy feeling!

Soooo......

I just felt like doing an entry here because I have some mixed feelings about my trip. And I felt like I had to just stand back and recall everything that God did for me to get me where I am standing now. At the end of an old path, at the new beginning that is just around the corner!!

Ok, why all of this Ukraine mission stuff? Where did it come from? Hard to say. If I will trace it all the way to the origins that started the whole sequence of events which took me here, I would probably have to start with the words: "I was born on 15 may..." LOL So I will not go so far, and begin recaling the very recent past.

I was called to YWAM via two different independent sources, so two witnesses telling me to go was enough for me to take that leap of faith. I got on that Kulula airplane in Jan 2010 with only $70 in my pocket, hohoho! Going into the total unknown, I did not even know how people would respond to me going there. I was imagining that they will not even let me enter the gate without money and i will have to beg on the streets for a while until I find work... Oh my soul, i was so naive, totally underestimating the power of the One Who sent me in the first place! My thoughts and fears had absolutely no influence on His Perfect plan and he took me through the five most wonderful months of my life! Praise his Name, the Name of Jesus! :)

As i was struggling to do the school on faith, God knew He could still stretch me further, so He challenged me by giving me a vision of Ukrainian orphans. It was during my afternoon nap, I saw all these kids around me stretching their hands towards me, then a Voice told me: "These are your people, go to them!" Funny, that before the incident whenever a YWAMer asked me where was I from, I would give all sorts of answers. Yet, after this vision, I forever realized I am a Ukrainian, and answered to everyone accordingly: "I am from Odessa!"

In 2009, about a year before I began ministering for the Lord, when I was checking out what YWAM is all about, I decided to check out how widespread across the world they were. Also I was hoping there would be a base in Israel - because I know Israel and me have something in common! :) I was also looking at what posts are available at each base, considering myself becoming a staff after I did my DTS course. Looking at all sorts of countries and discovering many YWAM bases everywhere, I went to see what was up and going in Ukraine. And I stumbled across YWAM Lutsk. This was one o the four Ukrainian bases, but something gripped me there and then about it. Most, if not all, projects they had going were within my field of interest and passion - exciting!! I realized that I will be there some day and that I will never ever forget about this base - but back there I just put this dream on the shelf for God to consider. Thirteen months later, in February 2010, the dream was taken off the sheld, dusted off and thrusted into my imminent future via the vision I described above.

I had some crazy plans. I know that a man can plan as much as he wants, yet it is God who determines how things work out eventually. So I do not see any harm in meditating on my dreams and discussing them with the Holy Spirit and with my brothers and sisters in Christ. But back then it was indeed a little bit crazy! I was being shaped and molded during DTS school at YWAM, so I was a little not myself. You know, when you have fever, you feel funny, you might say something funny, and maybe even see some things! So I was on fever from God's purifying fire and lol... well... lets just say I wanted my life to work out in a very irrational and rapid way. Thank God, He prevented it from happening by closing the doors around me except one. That one door was Worcester DTS graduation. And i had no other choice but to pass through it, before I could even take a step in the direction of my vision!

Now, once the graduation was over, and i went home in early June, I kept coming back to God, asking Him about his dream. There was a lot of luggage and emotional fears from the past that I had to deal with as He was answering me - the final breakthrough today only came because he decided I am free from those fears and drawbacks. God challenged me to recall, rethink and apply everything that He had taught me during my DTS school back in Worcester . I knew that school is nothing like the real battle, so i was preparing myself a lot via prayer and intercession.

It all started in early June, when I came to my old university to finalize my MSc. That was the priority at my heart, because god gave me a chance to do such an amazing degree and I had a responsibility. So with God's peace in my heart, I went to finish it. I knew it was the right thing to do, I had peace about it. Now, I was a little (!) worried about what will happen to me after then, but God said - "Take it easy, dear!" So I finished all responsibilities that I still had and went for a nice holiday for 2 weeks to Mossel Bay. Amazing place it was! Because we went out of season, the beaches were nearly empty and it was so quiet everywhere, with miles and miles of open smooth beach and dozens of waves coming in every minute. I admit that this holiday away from EVERYTHING was absolutely essential for someone like me. I literally finished my MSc on "autopilot", and needed some quiet time and environment to digest all I learned in the past few months from God via YWAM's school. I read His Word, prayed worshiped, and just was there with Him, in the quiet place! :) Was great! He warned me there and then that I will enter a season of great battle but I must not give up, trust my emotions or doubt His promises in any way. So I said: "Yes, Yeshua"!

Then July.... August.... September.... Plans made... Plans failed... More plans made.... And only one sequence of events played out - the one chosen by God Himself! The breakthroughs came in so suddenly: monthly support, tickets, visa, winter clothes, insurance, contacts, new friends... I had nothing to do with any of those - whenever something in my life came up, I just prayed the Will of God over it and for wisdom to deal with it - and the stuff either disappeared or stayed for good! Back in June I had NO idea HOW IN THE GREEN WORLD will I ever get to Ukraine!!?!?!?! Now its end of September, and I am ... whats the word here... stunned by lightning!! As I spend quiet moments in God's presence after the biiiiig battle, with the Gospel playing in my ears via iPod that HE Himself gave me so graciously, I can only praise him. I realize that nothing that I did or would do would work or make any difference to how He took me through the space-time of the last 3 months!

Now the devil tries one more thing, but I know my enemy quite well by now - he isn't creative and uses the same strategy over and over. In the beginning he tried to plant doubt in my heart, telling me that I would not make it, that all my dreams and plans were futile and that God did not want this for me. It was as hard as whipping my heart with 40 lashes of lead and bone, yet Jesus Who took those, helped me take mine! The blow to the enemy was dealt as described n my previous post, at the point of me being at my lowest. It's like I literally burned out in God's holy oven and had nowhere to look but up. And not just impatient glances, but a look of utter loneliness and desperation, admitting that He alone is Lord and He alone can do something now. Truly if I would have less, I would have come to that point sooner - hence it is easier to those who are poor in flesh and in spirit to reach out to God, and hence I am giving up all I have with pain, yet without regret.

Once I did that, He just came and fixed everything! Have you ever seen a row of dominoes, when they are vertically stacked close to each other, and then with one final touch one domino falls down, dragging the rest behind it? Well, thats how it felt back then - and how it feels now: everything just fell into place with the speed of light! My last hurdle to overcome was to hear that the Ukrainian visa I got was only for 3 months, and that I had to rely on God to enable me to extend it for 6 months after I will have arrived in Ukraine. Once I gave this thought up to Him, I received peace. The attackes totally ceased, totally!! I am sitting now, in my chair at home, leaving for Ukraine in 12 days - and for the past week there was NO doubt in my heart, moreover, no one tried to sow it there again. It is as if the heavens broke open and the Power of Christ came around to shield me! I know that this is only a victory in a battle, that the whole war is far from over - yet I am so very grateful to God for this short window of rest and recollection of God's testimonies of the past. Psalm 77:11-12 is a good verse for this state of my mind.

When I think about the MEANING and IMPACT of my trip, I literally begin shaking and crying and laughing about all this - so much it means to Jesus and to me and to the people around me! So I try not to do it too often. Let's just name a few most wonderful things that will come out of this trip. First and foremost, I have heard God right, He guided me in His Will and I am beyond excited to know how my destiny will play out after my plane's touch-down. Secondly, although only for a week, I will see my dear family, with whom I lived for 14 years since birth, and whom i have not seen for over 11 years. I can just imagine all the joy we will share in a fortnight! Then, I will go and do God's work by helping my fellow Ukrainians who are struggling without the hope and saving knowledge of Jesus and his Word. Someone once told me that I cannot preach the gospel of someone else, or the Gospel that did not save me and change me - no, but that I must rather preach my OWN gospel, and my OWN testimony, and what God did for ME personally! And it excites me to know that I will be able to share God's Living Word with people of my own folk, people who desperately need it for freedom from their fears of life and death. Finally (and this is probably the nicest part), I will use my God-given talents to make a difference in the lives of those people via my action-based faith!! Thank You God, You made me a teacher and a listener - I will use it all to bring Your presence in my life so that everyone might see You in me and desire You in them as well!

The enemy still tries to tell me that I will fail, that I will be useless there - yet to no avail. I know that generally there is a period of integration, desperation and coming closer to God before huge breakthroughs via His Power are allowed - all God's children go through that! So I am ready and prepared to humble myself, to fight for God and His Name, to work hard to show what He can do in any person's life and to ask Him for help any time and any day. After all,, He can do it all so much better than me so why not ask Him at once?! :)

I had to write this much out - just to sum up my experiences before the big transition, to be able to share them easily and for future meditation and encouragement. As I go around the corner to discover more of my Christ-like in the Eyes of God looking at me intensely, I can only imagine.... but my imagination will always fall short of His creative Love for me!!! Jesus is my KING and my ETERNAL LOVE!!!!