The crazy feeling!

Soooo......

I just felt like doing an entry here because I have some mixed feelings about my trip. And I felt like I had to just stand back and recall everything that God did for me to get me where I am standing now. At the end of an old path, at the new beginning that is just around the corner!!

Ok, why all of this Ukraine mission stuff? Where did it come from? Hard to say. If I will trace it all the way to the origins that started the whole sequence of events which took me here, I would probably have to start with the words: "I was born on 15 may..." LOL So I will not go so far, and begin recaling the very recent past.

I was called to YWAM via two different independent sources, so two witnesses telling me to go was enough for me to take that leap of faith. I got on that Kulula airplane in Jan 2010 with only $70 in my pocket, hohoho! Going into the total unknown, I did not even know how people would respond to me going there. I was imagining that they will not even let me enter the gate without money and i will have to beg on the streets for a while until I find work... Oh my soul, i was so naive, totally underestimating the power of the One Who sent me in the first place! My thoughts and fears had absolutely no influence on His Perfect plan and he took me through the five most wonderful months of my life! Praise his Name, the Name of Jesus! :)

As i was struggling to do the school on faith, God knew He could still stretch me further, so He challenged me by giving me a vision of Ukrainian orphans. It was during my afternoon nap, I saw all these kids around me stretching their hands towards me, then a Voice told me: "These are your people, go to them!" Funny, that before the incident whenever a YWAMer asked me where was I from, I would give all sorts of answers. Yet, after this vision, I forever realized I am a Ukrainian, and answered to everyone accordingly: "I am from Odessa!"

In 2009, about a year before I began ministering for the Lord, when I was checking out what YWAM is all about, I decided to check out how widespread across the world they were. Also I was hoping there would be a base in Israel - because I know Israel and me have something in common! :) I was also looking at what posts are available at each base, considering myself becoming a staff after I did my DTS course. Looking at all sorts of countries and discovering many YWAM bases everywhere, I went to see what was up and going in Ukraine. And I stumbled across YWAM Lutsk. This was one o the four Ukrainian bases, but something gripped me there and then about it. Most, if not all, projects they had going were within my field of interest and passion - exciting!! I realized that I will be there some day and that I will never ever forget about this base - but back there I just put this dream on the shelf for God to consider. Thirteen months later, in February 2010, the dream was taken off the sheld, dusted off and thrusted into my imminent future via the vision I described above.

I had some crazy plans. I know that a man can plan as much as he wants, yet it is God who determines how things work out eventually. So I do not see any harm in meditating on my dreams and discussing them with the Holy Spirit and with my brothers and sisters in Christ. But back then it was indeed a little bit crazy! I was being shaped and molded during DTS school at YWAM, so I was a little not myself. You know, when you have fever, you feel funny, you might say something funny, and maybe even see some things! So I was on fever from God's purifying fire and lol... well... lets just say I wanted my life to work out in a very irrational and rapid way. Thank God, He prevented it from happening by closing the doors around me except one. That one door was Worcester DTS graduation. And i had no other choice but to pass through it, before I could even take a step in the direction of my vision!

Now, once the graduation was over, and i went home in early June, I kept coming back to God, asking Him about his dream. There was a lot of luggage and emotional fears from the past that I had to deal with as He was answering me - the final breakthrough today only came because he decided I am free from those fears and drawbacks. God challenged me to recall, rethink and apply everything that He had taught me during my DTS school back in Worcester . I knew that school is nothing like the real battle, so i was preparing myself a lot via prayer and intercession.

It all started in early June, when I came to my old university to finalize my MSc. That was the priority at my heart, because god gave me a chance to do such an amazing degree and I had a responsibility. So with God's peace in my heart, I went to finish it. I knew it was the right thing to do, I had peace about it. Now, I was a little (!) worried about what will happen to me after then, but God said - "Take it easy, dear!" So I finished all responsibilities that I still had and went for a nice holiday for 2 weeks to Mossel Bay. Amazing place it was! Because we went out of season, the beaches were nearly empty and it was so quiet everywhere, with miles and miles of open smooth beach and dozens of waves coming in every minute. I admit that this holiday away from EVERYTHING was absolutely essential for someone like me. I literally finished my MSc on "autopilot", and needed some quiet time and environment to digest all I learned in the past few months from God via YWAM's school. I read His Word, prayed worshiped, and just was there with Him, in the quiet place! :) Was great! He warned me there and then that I will enter a season of great battle but I must not give up, trust my emotions or doubt His promises in any way. So I said: "Yes, Yeshua"!

Then July.... August.... September.... Plans made... Plans failed... More plans made.... And only one sequence of events played out - the one chosen by God Himself! The breakthroughs came in so suddenly: monthly support, tickets, visa, winter clothes, insurance, contacts, new friends... I had nothing to do with any of those - whenever something in my life came up, I just prayed the Will of God over it and for wisdom to deal with it - and the stuff either disappeared or stayed for good! Back in June I had NO idea HOW IN THE GREEN WORLD will I ever get to Ukraine!!?!?!?! Now its end of September, and I am ... whats the word here... stunned by lightning!! As I spend quiet moments in God's presence after the biiiiig battle, with the Gospel playing in my ears via iPod that HE Himself gave me so graciously, I can only praise him. I realize that nothing that I did or would do would work or make any difference to how He took me through the space-time of the last 3 months!

Now the devil tries one more thing, but I know my enemy quite well by now - he isn't creative and uses the same strategy over and over. In the beginning he tried to plant doubt in my heart, telling me that I would not make it, that all my dreams and plans were futile and that God did not want this for me. It was as hard as whipping my heart with 40 lashes of lead and bone, yet Jesus Who took those, helped me take mine! The blow to the enemy was dealt as described n my previous post, at the point of me being at my lowest. It's like I literally burned out in God's holy oven and had nowhere to look but up. And not just impatient glances, but a look of utter loneliness and desperation, admitting that He alone is Lord and He alone can do something now. Truly if I would have less, I would have come to that point sooner - hence it is easier to those who are poor in flesh and in spirit to reach out to God, and hence I am giving up all I have with pain, yet without regret.

Once I did that, He just came and fixed everything! Have you ever seen a row of dominoes, when they are vertically stacked close to each other, and then with one final touch one domino falls down, dragging the rest behind it? Well, thats how it felt back then - and how it feels now: everything just fell into place with the speed of light! My last hurdle to overcome was to hear that the Ukrainian visa I got was only for 3 months, and that I had to rely on God to enable me to extend it for 6 months after I will have arrived in Ukraine. Once I gave this thought up to Him, I received peace. The attackes totally ceased, totally!! I am sitting now, in my chair at home, leaving for Ukraine in 12 days - and for the past week there was NO doubt in my heart, moreover, no one tried to sow it there again. It is as if the heavens broke open and the Power of Christ came around to shield me! I know that this is only a victory in a battle, that the whole war is far from over - yet I am so very grateful to God for this short window of rest and recollection of God's testimonies of the past. Psalm 77:11-12 is a good verse for this state of my mind.

When I think about the MEANING and IMPACT of my trip, I literally begin shaking and crying and laughing about all this - so much it means to Jesus and to me and to the people around me! So I try not to do it too often. Let's just name a few most wonderful things that will come out of this trip. First and foremost, I have heard God right, He guided me in His Will and I am beyond excited to know how my destiny will play out after my plane's touch-down. Secondly, although only for a week, I will see my dear family, with whom I lived for 14 years since birth, and whom i have not seen for over 11 years. I can just imagine all the joy we will share in a fortnight! Then, I will go and do God's work by helping my fellow Ukrainians who are struggling without the hope and saving knowledge of Jesus and his Word. Someone once told me that I cannot preach the gospel of someone else, or the Gospel that did not save me and change me - no, but that I must rather preach my OWN gospel, and my OWN testimony, and what God did for ME personally! And it excites me to know that I will be able to share God's Living Word with people of my own folk, people who desperately need it for freedom from their fears of life and death. Finally (and this is probably the nicest part), I will use my God-given talents to make a difference in the lives of those people via my action-based faith!! Thank You God, You made me a teacher and a listener - I will use it all to bring Your presence in my life so that everyone might see You in me and desire You in them as well!

The enemy still tries to tell me that I will fail, that I will be useless there - yet to no avail. I know that generally there is a period of integration, desperation and coming closer to God before huge breakthroughs via His Power are allowed - all God's children go through that! So I am ready and prepared to humble myself, to fight for God and His Name, to work hard to show what He can do in any person's life and to ask Him for help any time and any day. After all,, He can do it all so much better than me so why not ask Him at once?! :)

I had to write this much out - just to sum up my experiences before the big transition, to be able to share them easily and for future meditation and encouragement. As I go around the corner to discover more of my Christ-like in the Eyes of God looking at me intensely, I can only imagine.... but my imagination will always fall short of His creative Love for me!!! Jesus is my KING and my ETERNAL LOVE!!!!